It's kind of hard when a doctor tells you that your sudden dizzyness, physical issues and not being able to rest during sleeping time is caused because emotional issues. I stopped again finishing art for almost a month and then being dizzy became a constant everyday always after 1pm.

So, finally, after checking my lab results, the doctor said I'm fine. That it might be because some hints of emotional inestability he's been detecting on me.

So, I was diagnosed with depression a week and a half ago.

This depression was flashing in and out since 2008 after lots of weird stuff happened one after the other and not being able to let myself go and cry a bit, because I was worried for other people. I even got to consider that my own friends and family sake was more important than my own good. And oh boy, did my family loaded me!

4 years of that, with a little breath on 2011 when I meet a wonderful guy who gave me a little light out of a tunnel I couldn't go out for months. I'm married to that guy now and I'm finally being able to say "no" to people who want me to do their way. It's a slow process, I'm going with a therapist and it's really relieving to talk without judgements or people saying you're wrong because you don't think or act as they do.

I'm learning to settle down my feelings, to don't feel terrible because old friendships are gone, to be mature enough to accept that cycles get closed after good or bad situations and that this don't make me a bad person. I'm learning a lot and even if it is  so slow to figure out what I've been doing wrong, I'm willing to, because of my own good, for a change.

This made me understand that this last 4 years of inconsistence on art were because of this. Inestabilities that I couldn't manage and started to block my own feelings to accept whatever people wanted me to feel or get worried about. And I started feeling that my art was not worthy of showing.

I'm really sorry that this got in the way of many projects that were handed to me, I'm trying to restructure everything but I'm still going step by step because I'm overcoming lots of frustration. I'm doing my best, even to avoid medication. The therapist trusts in my rational side, since as we talk she listens to my own conclusions, perhaps she sees that I really want to overcome this and that I mean it.

I'm doing my homework, I'm trying to get everything ready, old and new commissions. It is scary to face all the failures, but it's so rewarding to feel calm, to feel that I own my mind again, my mood, my self steem.  

So, this is what I wanted to write here to all of you, I failed hard because an unknown disease that now has a name. And luckily, my husband and my friends are helping me to acknoledge that being sick of this for me means overcoming any disease like flu or stomach pain. I know that there are harder cases, but I don't want to get to the point where I will not be able to stop thinking that I'm bad,t hat I don't deserve anything good, or that I will never be a good artist.  I'm working hard on this, to not fail myself and my clients on the way.

This is it, I shared this to you... It's hard, but I needed to give you the name of what was keeping me of progressing with works.

I hope that this year will be different

Thanks a lot for all your patience and support all this time

Have a wonderful week.
All my love